Friday, March 9, 2012

The fight

Well, I'm BACK!!!  It looks like my 50 in 5 might become 5 years instead of 5 months, but hey, it will be a great ride!  I have learned so many things in the last 3 months, and slogged through some tough times in the past 6-ish weeks.  Thanks to those who have encouraged me and asked where I've gone, it's always nice when people notice that you've dropped off the face of the earth!  I've written a lot of blog posts in my head, some even got as far as partially written, but none posted.

My silence in the past while has mainly been due to the paralyzing effect of my to-do list.  The job I currently hold has been mine for the past 9 years and every year I think that next year will be better... and it never is.  This time of year is particularly demanding and this year even more so.  Having small children prevents me from completing anything quickly, and the constant burden of knowing there was so much desk work to be done really steals my joy and keeps me from doing even the smallest task that isn't on my to-do list.

I'm weird that way.  I'll see that my kitchen window needs a wipe-down or the fridge could use some attention, but because it isn't my main focus for the day, I can't do it.  Even if my circumstances keep me from doing the thing that is my main focus, I feel guilt for doing anything else.  I'm not sure why.  Perhaps the thought of 'what would people think' if I have a clean house or have been posting to my blog when I am obviously procrastinating from the work that really needs to be done? 


I've learned a lot about my triggers for eating in the past few months.  Guilt.  Inadequacy.  Worry.  To name a few.
  • False guilt that tells me that even though their dad isn't home for supper I should still be cooking for 3 hours to make my children a square meal that they won't eat anyway.  
  • False guilt that tells me my children will be dunces because I should be reading to them constantly like some other moms in the kindergarten class.  
  • False guilt that my freshly-toddling explorer will feel unloved when I leave her in her playpen for an extra minute while I get some things done.
  • True conscience-guilt that tells me that my behavior must change if I expect the same behavior in my children to change.  
  • True conscience-guilt that convicts in hard ways the very real issues in my life.
  • Thinking that I'm not doing even a moderately good job at anything these days.
  • Worrying for my man on the icy winter roads, especially after several scary incidents.
  • Worrying about the upcoming changes in our life again, that plan for the future that we have no control over.
Battling triggers is hard.  It takes an army.  I'm still getting my frontline defense in place.  I know it can be done.  There's a lot of talk of 'overcoming' in God's word, and while I don't compare my fight to those who are tortured for their faith, I do believe God's promises extend to even me. 

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33  NIV

I'm slowly learning it's not my fight.