Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The facts of life

I have been writing over the past few days, but nothing that hit the screen on this blog, rather I uploaded some pictures and did a little writing on my hobby farm blog.

It was escapist in a way to fall into the familiar groove of 'how to' writing.  I'm most comfortable writing facts; my background in agricultural research has promoted that skill - reporting on findings, interpreting research, writing standard operating procedures.  Nothing personal, just history, unbiased.  It's quiet, dignified, and a step back from the things that really matter, the raw things.  The things that hurt.

To get into the guts of the matter, discouragement is crouching at my door.  It's been almost a month and I haven't seen any significant progress, physically.  Surely my abs of flab should be sculpted into a lean, mean, ripped, 6-pack by now!  I struggle with that disappointment, arguing with myself about the importance of the physical.  Is not the soul more important than the body?

There have been other changes through learning discipline, I am searching scripture, interested again, eager for the truths gleaned.  Emotionally I feel stronger, more in control.  I've had a really good week with the kids despite my husband being gone for 3 days, strengthened by my heavenly Father whom I am slowly, oh so slowly, learning to lean on in everything.  And I can feel changes physically; my body is stronger, my back hurts less, my knees can handle the trip up and down the stairs a lot better thanks to the workout routine I've been doing.

Yet this debilitating disappointment hangs like an anchor on my ankle, reminding me constantly that I'm failing to accomplish my goal, prompting me to just give up and eat, who's going to know, I'm here alone... Lies, but irresistible to a weakened will.  I even looked at some advertising for a new miracle cure for fatness, guaranteed to trim the pounds off like magic.  Tempting, especially on this side of the weigh scale. 

I'm resting in the knowledge that there is always reward in doing the right thing.  Now I question if I'm doing the right thing... sigh.

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